It’s quite natural that from time to time couples will experience problems or difficulties in their relationship in one form or another - its part of sharing your life with another human being.
The difference between relationships that work and those that don't is how well couples deal with the challenges and problems they face in their life together.
The first step towards creating a happy, healthy relationship is your own willingness to ‘work at it’.
Many couples leave it until their relationship has already started to fall apart before they consider doing anything about the difficulties they have. Often, by this time, either one or both partners are no longer ‘willing to work at it’.
Naturally, the best time to learn relationships skills is at the start of the relationship. That way you can spend the rest of your relationship putting into practice what you've learnt - which means you'll probably avoid major relationship difficulties further down the track.
However, whilst both partners are ‘willing to work at it’ it’s not too late and there is every reason to be confident that issues can be resolved, communication restored and made more effective.
If your relationship is not what you want it to be . . . are you ‘willing to work at it’?
Your expectations can sometimes be your greatest hindrance.
Do you remember as a child how exciting life was? Every day was an adventure and sometimes every hour there was a new discovery. Each experience brought a happiness that seemed inevitable and as perfect as you could imagine.
Sometime around the age of five or six maybe, maybe even younger, we become aware that not all of life’s experiences bring such delight and excitement; but deep down we still expect it to be so. These expectations can become the source of some of our frustrations.
Here is how you can choose to handle life today —
If you answer
"Yes" to one or more of these questions and still can't figure out how to fix it and you can't leave either, then read on. Your problem is not unusual.The core of the problem is usually a subtle or not-so-subtle belief such as;
Those core beliefs allow people to tolerate being abused, neglected, and/or shamed in relationships and even to unconsciously seek them out and to choose them over more nurturing and satisfying relationships.
The origin of these beliefs about the self are developed in early childhood. The experience of intimacy, love and nurturing that we have as babies and small children form our beliefs about our selves and what love and intimacy are.
Even the wisest and most well intentioned parents can't meet a child's every need. However, the more the abuse or neglect and the less the child's needs are met, the more likely the child will feel unlovable and believe that love and nurturing in intimacy are not possible.
The good news is that you can heal. You can learn to believe that you are lovable and to surround yourself with and make loving connections with people who love you.
The principles are simple. Doing it is not easy. Here are some of the requirements to healing your relationships:
1. Commitment – It takes a strong commitment and a conscious effort to succeed.
2. Re-define “selfish”. Learn to love yourself and to take care of your needs effectively. You can get your needs met and still have love in your life.
3. Commit to learning the real truth about yourself and your behavior.
4. Take responsibility for your life and your well-being and STOP taking responsibility for other people's lives and their well-being. It's great to help people, but they are still responsible for their own outcomes.
5. Learn to set and enforce personal boundaries: “No, I don’t want to do that”. “I will do this”. “I will not do that”. “That behavior is not acceptable because it hurts me”. “This is my body or my house or my space and you can only come in if I invite you”.
6. Develop your spiritual nature. Discover a practice that brings you peace and serenity and commit yourself to a daily routine.
7. Find a support system of people who understand what you are doing. People you can talk to when the going is tough.
Find a counsellor. So much of the problem is a result of lack of awareness. It usually takes a trained professional to help people be clear and objective about their beliefs and behavior patterns. It also takes a trained professional to help people find and heal the core of their self defeating beliefs and behaviors.
Some of the steps along the path to healthy relationships that seem to be helpful for everyone are as follows:-
1. Feeling affirmed and supported in counselling sessions helps pave the way to begin to build a trusting relationship so that the hurt, scared inner child can begin to trust enough to reveal itself in the sessions.
2. Understanding the influence of your family history and childhood experiences is necessary for understanding and healing your present relationship problems.
3. Developing a treatment plan that helps you and the counsellor know where you're heading, where you are in the process and whether what you are doing is working.
Is it absolutely necessary? Not always, but often understanding our past can simplify and uncomplicated the feeling and situations of the present. You and your counsellor will work out a strategy / plan and a way of working together that will best suit your needs. When it comes down to it, it’s up to you.