There are four little words . . . “we need to talk” that frighten men more than anything else.
Every day, people just plain misunderstand each other. Generally women know this better than men and are usually more willing to talk about it. However an increasing number of men are taking up the challenge of counselling and doing just that, talking about it. Often it’s the result of a last-ditch “let’s-save-this-relationship-or-I’m-outta-here” ultimatum.
Many men go kicking and screaming (if only internally) to couple counselling. What’s the point of all this talking, they think, haven’t we talked/argued about the issues endlessly for years?
For many couples the reason they split is because of the male partner’s unwillingness to take part fully in counselling. Often they will go along to a few meetings but quit when it becomes uncomfortable. And there’s nothing surer than couple counselling will get uncomfortable, especially for the bloke. For a start, the whole thing is conducted in a language many men find painful - plain English. No frills, no evasions, no escape.In couple counselling you will hear lots of stuff about yourself you won’t want to know, but the most awful thing you encounter will be encouragement to talk about how you feel. And bad as that may feel, that’s a good thing.
Men are rarely encouraged to talk about how they feel, so whilst in counselling take it as a golden opportunity. Let fly. The more you do it, the easier it becomes and you make more progress.
It’s best to admit early on that you have feelings, even if only microscopic ones. And replacing "I think" with "I feel" can have a profound outcome on how arguments are curtailed and issues resolved.
For instance, saying "I think you are trying to annoy me" can cause a fight, but saying "I feel you are trying to annoy me" is not debatable. No one can tell you what you feel. And there’s another way to get all that talk / argument to stop sooner rather than later. Remember to say "me" and "I" when you mean "me" or "I".
Sure, everyone in the room knows you mean yourself when you say something like: "You get a real bad feeling when things go haywire". But it’s important to own the feeling. Not arguing about it saves time, which in turn saves money because you get to the issue earlier, which means it can get sorted out quicker.
With the help of a skilled counsellor, you might even discover that what you’ve been arguing about isn’t the issue at all. There are two sides to every story but the truth is rarely anywhere in the middle; it’s probably about to hit you from behind with a cricket bat.
For instance, couples often invent quips, phrases, jokes and sarcasms that only they understand. They make assumptions about what is meant when these ‘short hand’ type comments or phases are used. Discussing your issues with a trained counsellor means the counsellor can interject, asking what one or other of you mean by a phrase you both commonly use. Explaining in plain English allows your partner to understand, often for the first time, what you were really saying all along.
When you’re wrong admit it, deal with it and move on. If you think your partner is wrong say: "I feel you’re wrong about that." Don’t lie. Even if there’s no way you’ll get found out, it’s still a waste of time and money. Men have issues too so make sure you talk about things from your point of view. You’ll get better at this with practice and get more out of the sessions, too. If you’re angry say "I feel angry" about whatever it is.
If you don’t like the counsellor, feel they are incompetent or think he or she is working against you as an individual or as a couple, get a new one (but discuss it with your partner first: "I feel the counsellor is working against us," etc). If it’s only a ruse to delay getting to the issues, don’t bother.
There’ll be many ideas provided that will help you to do to improve your relationship and - though the whole thing does feel like a wrench - you will acquire the "tools" and strategies to repair the relationship yourself.
But nobody ever really says straight out how hard it is to have a contented, successful relationship or that it doesn’t happen the way it’s portrayed in the movies, a happy accident clinched with a kiss.
But nobody ever really says straight out how hard it is to have a contented, successful relationship or that it doesn’t happen the way it’s portrayed in the movies, a happy accident clinched with a kiss.
Mostly that’s because, at their heart, relationships are as baffling as the individuals in them. So while counselling can bring clarity, restore happiness or make you realise the person you first dated hasn’t changed that much after all, there’s no magic relationship-by-numbers formula, no instant resolutions. There’s only goodwill, time and effort.
But even if you break up after all that counselling, you will have had the chance to gain tremendously. If you go with it, chances are you will be more communicative, less inclined to trust to dumb luck, know how to break destructive habits and be far more able to manage relationship issues on your own.
You will also have had the satisfaction of having said everything you wanted to say, maybe even manage to resolve a few things. Sure, there may be regrets, but you won’t be left wondering years later how it all went wrong.
Fact 1: Failure to communicate is taking its toll on men’s physical and emotional health resulting in high rates of depression and suicide.
Fact 2: Women initiate up to 70 per cent of break-ups.
Fact 3: An ongoing transformation in male attitudes and to changes in counselling methods has meant that more men are now willing to take on counselling
Discuss counselling with your partner, then phone and make an appointment to see me.
If you’re not ready for a face to face session try these help lines.
Men’s Line Australia: 1300 789 978
Lifeline: 131 114.